god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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