Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
