I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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