My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
