Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
