I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
There's always time for handjobs
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend