I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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