hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
