We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
