dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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