sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
