Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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