She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
