I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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