Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
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I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
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I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that