Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.