she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.