Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
