I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize