Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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