i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
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The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
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I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb