I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
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I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
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all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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