just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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