Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.