This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.