I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.