When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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