Me. At least after what I've been through.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
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I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
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I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows