i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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