Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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