Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize