She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
you made out with another girl for some wings
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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