I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
