erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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