Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We have started to decorate penises.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
