So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again