It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
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He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
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Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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