I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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