When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
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I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box