can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.