This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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