new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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