K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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