you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
