someone threw a dead crab at me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
