One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You ruined the universe
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