i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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