3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
