I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
