Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
