there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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