True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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