went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
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Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.