I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do