Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.