Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me