I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
