A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
